How to Not Have Sex With a Woman Whilst Eating

5 quick tips to make sure you don’t trip and fall into a vagina

It’s harder than it looks

It’s recently come to my attention that married men are avoiding having meals alone with women. Even Vice President Pence is afraid of damaging his marriage irreparably with a quick quesadilla between colleagues. Now, this is a very reasonable fear; we all know just how easy it is to lose your way and find your dick out of your pants and inside an acquaintance.

Here are my 5 quick tips to keep your wife happy, your marriage protected, and your relationship with the Lord safe and secure!

Fear no more, Matt! With these simple tips, you too can enjoy a quick bite with a member of the fairer gender.

1Watch those angles. Remember, you can’t fall into the endless abyss of her vaginal canal if her legs are crossed! Keep your eyes on her knees; if your King James’ Bible would fall out of the crack, you’re in trouble!

Watch out for that Devil’s Vortex folks!

If you’re having trouble guessing, just whip out your handy protractor! If she’s a good Christian woman she’ll be happy for you to check and keep you both free from sin.

2Make sure you are not a jade egg. If I’ve learned anything from my years keeping track of everything Gwyneth Paltrow recommends, it’s that bee stings are lovely and jade eggs are to vaginas what damned souls are to the Seven Levels of The Damned.

To make sure that you’re safe, just ask yourself these 3 easy questions. Are you;

  1. Semi precious,
  2. Green, and
  3. Composed of silicate minerals?

If you don’t tick all 3 of these boxes, relax! You can have a bowl of kale salad with a friend, secure in the knowledge that you aren’t going to suddenly feel the lips of her labia closing about you like the shark from Jaws.

Vaginas; hard to distinguish from shark mouths

3Steer clear of garlic. Contrary to popular belief, vaginas are actually attracted to garlic. Once they smell it on your breath, you may only have seconds to act before you are swallowed up in a hell of your own devising.

I recommend steering clear of ethnic food, as well as all restaurants without the clear presence of Jesus. Remember; sin is only a clove away!

4Keep dick in pants. The most important point, and one I can’t stress enough; if your dick remains firmly inside your briefs, it will be virtually impossible to have sex.

That little dude might try to escape, but remember; Jesus is watching. As long as your dick stays firmly stuck inside those boxers, the chances of you falling prey to immorality are almost zero.

Pictured; keeping dick in pants

5Keep. Dick. In. Pants. I can’t stress this enough guys. If the dick comes out, there’s a 90% increased chance of doing the dirty and losing our savior’s grace.

Keep it locked in tight. Glue it in there if you have to.

That’s it guys! Now you too can have a meal with a female friend, colleague or acquaintance, without your wife worrying that your dick will accidentally slip out of your pants and into someone else.

This is not my usual fare, but I saw ridiculous people on Twitter and just had to write something. Let me know if you want more of the same with the little heart below!

It was pointed out to me that I had inadvertently encouraged an idiotic view of the female genitalia by trying to satirize said view. The new blog is both funnier and better aligned with my opinions. Enjoy (and comment if you think it still needs changing).